Ever been in that place where absolutely nothing makes sense; where everything seems to be completely crashing all around you; where all you want to do is cry and scream and destroy a wall or something I don't know but just something to unleash all the hurt and pain and anguish and utter exhaustion but you simply don't have to willpower to do any of those things so you just sit there in pain and anguish and exhaustion and pray that you go numb?
Yeah. You could say I'm there.
The sheer insanity of life has caught up to me. I don't know whether this is just another phase of life or if it's the ravages of the war I talked about previously, and frankly I do not care in the least because right now I'm in that place where none of that really matters to me. For all of my "knowledge" and "wisdom" and "experience" and patience and will to hang on, I just can't do it right now. All I want to do is lay in my bed, curl up in a ball, and sleep my life away until it magically repairs itself into relative normalcy. I would kill for normal right now. I would give almost anything for it just to be put up on a shelf and left to fix itself and for me to never look back. And I hate the fact that I just am not the kind of person who can do that.
Why can't I just let it go!?!? I'm just so tired...so tired of fighting, of worrying, of stressing over things that only seem to bringing me down, of driving my mind into a depression that seems it will refuse to let up. And even when it seems to look like it might, just for a little while, oh wait here's something else so nope just kidding! That tunnel that does not exist...yep, I'm most definitely there. And I'm there alone. Why else do you think I'm here pouring my heart out where if I actually publish this the whole world can see my anguish and laugh. I don't want the pity, I definitely don't need it! So why am I doing this???
Why am I baring my vulnerability and failure and shortcoming and foolishness for the world to see??
Well one because when something is on my mind I like to write, and it just so happens that this allows me to vent in a way that is not physically harmful to anyone/anything.
But also because still, somewhere deep down, I pray that in my brokenness, in my pain, as I stumble through the darkness of the tunnel that does not exist, that someone can find hope. Find hope in my own humanity.
I am imperfect. I am a fool.
We all are.
And no matter who you are, where you are, what you're doing and where you're going, you'll find this tunnel. It is inevitable. Unfortunately, it's one of those sad facts of life, the result of a broken and fallen humanity in a cursed and doomed world.
But really, I am not alone. No matter how alone I feel, I am not alone.
But really, we are not alone. No matter how alone we feel, we are not alone.
Not only do we have the knowledge of each other in our own failure and humanity, but for those of us who are really blessed, we have the knowledge that there is this ridiculously awesome God who is so desperately in love with us. And yeah the words are easy, the reality definitely more difficult, but there is always a way that is provided for us. A crack in the tunnel. A flood of redemption. And white.
We may not see it for the tunnel, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. For is it the white that does not exist, or merely the tunnel? Interesting...
"What kind of damage could we do with this kind of knowledge...
What kind of suffering could we turn into hope...
What kind of bitterness could we turn into joy...
What kind of anguish could we turn into victory..."
So anyways I'm finished now. Please do not give me your pity, for even in this tunnel there is that chance to live and learn and be loved. And I have that knowledge, and the knowledge that really it will not kill me no matter how much longer it will continue to pain me. It'll take time, of course more time; of that I have no doubt. Maybe even more mental, emotional uncertainty and whole lot more praying. But as of yet, as the Word says, I haven't suffered yet to the point of shedding blood; and I am striving to continue the search for that "pure joy", for "the good". Because it's there, more real and more vibrant than any hopelessness of the tunnel that does not exist.
So do not pity me, but rejoice with me. Because I am a fool. And because no matter how lost I am in the tunnel that does not exist, I am not truly lost. No matter how alone, I am not truly alone.
And neither will you ever be.
Sorrow into joy.
So dive deep.
(And if you have no idea what I mean by the tunnel and things such as that, read "A Story" and it should make at least a little more sense)
"But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
John 16:32-33
Dive deep.
Originally Posted 6/17/08
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
A World At War
So I just finished this book.
And in the back of this book was a section about what the main plot centered on: demon possession and spiritual warfare. Now bear with me on this one...
"There is something in human nature that just doesn't want to face the reality that we live in two worlds. We live in the physical, material world where we have jobs, read books, and go about our business. And we live in a spiritual world--and that is a world at war." John Eldredge
And this got me thinking...
We live in a world at war...
All around us, every minute of every day, a battle of epic proportions is being fought over the very course of history. Really over everything period. Now granted this war was already won approximately 2000 years ago on this hill known as Golgotha, but battle rages on. As the book puts it, "These are merely its death throes, raging through the darkness. The bitter outrage of a defeated beast."
And very rarely do we actually see the physical affects of this war, except for in the few and far between cases of actual demon possession, and even then we truly have nothing to fear because victory is already God's. But then I read something else that got me thinking about that too...
"The battle is not the point. Evil is not the point. The point is the love story. We live in a love story that is set in the midst of war."
A love story.
In the middle of a war.
The most epic love story.
In the middle of the most epic war.
Better than any movie, book, or stretch of the human imaginiation. That is our reality.
There is a God who loves us so desperately that He came down and died for us. And since Satan obviously can't overthrow God Himself, what better way to cause Him torment than to destroy that which He cherishes about anything else; that which He made in His own image, that which He loves so intensely, that which He calls His bride, that which He died for. How better to mock that sacrifice than to coax away that which was sacrificed for. And to see it go so willingly!
We are caught in a world of war. We may not always see it, but then what better strategy to have than to convince the lamb that the lion does not exist?
And what's more, we are warriors in this war! Fighting alongside the greatest love of our life for the very souls of those around us, for eternity itself. And that is our reality.
So this thought interested me...we are called children of God, those that love Him, those who are to don the warrior's armour and fight for the Great Romance that such great sacrifice was made, those who have accepted this as reality with reckless abandon and undying commitment and loyalty. Those who are called to fight on the side of our God in this epic war. So as Satan sits at his war table and ponders all of this, he gets an idea. He knows our every weakness, is an expert in the nature of humanity with all its flaws and brilliance. And so why not attack with this knowledge? If he takes us out of commission not only does he cause God more pain but He keeps us from completing our mission and takes us more or less out of the war entirely!
Why do you think James said, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds"?? Because the very fact that we deal with all sorts of crap in life just goes to show that we are a threat! And we can only prove ourselves stronger for going though it; though of course not having troubles doesn't mean we aren't a threat, just blessed to have a reprieve from the struggles of reality, however brief.
The devil knows our weaknesses, knows our breaking points and so do the rest of the demons. In work, in school, in our relationships, in our pride, in our self image, in our fears, in every single possible aspect of out lives. In our humanity. And when he sees a threat he will stop at nothing to neutralize it using every weapon he has. It is war.
This is war.
"The real question is what to do with evil that isn't so demonstrative. It's much harder to believe in an enemy you can't see, now isn't it? And what's more, it's working in a frenzy, every day, every hour, unseen except in the few places where it becomes overindulgent and exposes itself to the world. [Evil] is destroyed. In a place called Golgotha, two thousand years ago. These are merely its death throes, raging against the darkness. The bitter outrage a defeated beast." Ted Dekker
What kind of damage could we do with this kind of knowledge...
What kind of suffering could we turn into hope...
What kind of bitterness could we turn into joy...
What kind of anguish could we turn into victory...
We live in a world of war.
Just food for thought....
Originally Posted 6/12/08
And in the back of this book was a section about what the main plot centered on: demon possession and spiritual warfare. Now bear with me on this one...
"There is something in human nature that just doesn't want to face the reality that we live in two worlds. We live in the physical, material world where we have jobs, read books, and go about our business. And we live in a spiritual world--and that is a world at war." John Eldredge
And this got me thinking...
We live in a world at war...
All around us, every minute of every day, a battle of epic proportions is being fought over the very course of history. Really over everything period. Now granted this war was already won approximately 2000 years ago on this hill known as Golgotha, but battle rages on. As the book puts it, "These are merely its death throes, raging through the darkness. The bitter outrage of a defeated beast."
And very rarely do we actually see the physical affects of this war, except for in the few and far between cases of actual demon possession, and even then we truly have nothing to fear because victory is already God's. But then I read something else that got me thinking about that too...
"The battle is not the point. Evil is not the point. The point is the love story. We live in a love story that is set in the midst of war."
A love story.
In the middle of a war.
The most epic love story.
In the middle of the most epic war.
Better than any movie, book, or stretch of the human imaginiation. That is our reality.
There is a God who loves us so desperately that He came down and died for us. And since Satan obviously can't overthrow God Himself, what better way to cause Him torment than to destroy that which He cherishes about anything else; that which He made in His own image, that which He loves so intensely, that which He calls His bride, that which He died for. How better to mock that sacrifice than to coax away that which was sacrificed for. And to see it go so willingly!
We are caught in a world of war. We may not always see it, but then what better strategy to have than to convince the lamb that the lion does not exist?
And what's more, we are warriors in this war! Fighting alongside the greatest love of our life for the very souls of those around us, for eternity itself. And that is our reality.
So this thought interested me...we are called children of God, those that love Him, those who are to don the warrior's armour and fight for the Great Romance that such great sacrifice was made, those who have accepted this as reality with reckless abandon and undying commitment and loyalty. Those who are called to fight on the side of our God in this epic war. So as Satan sits at his war table and ponders all of this, he gets an idea. He knows our every weakness, is an expert in the nature of humanity with all its flaws and brilliance. And so why not attack with this knowledge? If he takes us out of commission not only does he cause God more pain but He keeps us from completing our mission and takes us more or less out of the war entirely!
Why do you think James said, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds"?? Because the very fact that we deal with all sorts of crap in life just goes to show that we are a threat! And we can only prove ourselves stronger for going though it; though of course not having troubles doesn't mean we aren't a threat, just blessed to have a reprieve from the struggles of reality, however brief.
The devil knows our weaknesses, knows our breaking points and so do the rest of the demons. In work, in school, in our relationships, in our pride, in our self image, in our fears, in every single possible aspect of out lives. In our humanity. And when he sees a threat he will stop at nothing to neutralize it using every weapon he has. It is war.
This is war.
"The real question is what to do with evil that isn't so demonstrative. It's much harder to believe in an enemy you can't see, now isn't it? And what's more, it's working in a frenzy, every day, every hour, unseen except in the few places where it becomes overindulgent and exposes itself to the world. [Evil] is destroyed. In a place called Golgotha, two thousand years ago. These are merely its death throes, raging against the darkness. The bitter outrage a defeated beast." Ted Dekker
What kind of damage could we do with this kind of knowledge...
What kind of suffering could we turn into hope...
What kind of bitterness could we turn into joy...
What kind of anguish could we turn into victory...
We live in a world of war.
Just food for thought....
Originally Posted 6/12/08
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