Broken

Ever been in that place where absolutely nothing makes sense; where everything seems to be completely crashing all around you; where all you want to do is cry and scream and destroy a wall or something I don't know but just something to unleash all the hurt and pain and anguish and utter exhaustion but you simply don't have to willpower to do any of those things so you just sit there in pain and anguish and exhaustion and pray that you go numb?

Yeah. You could say I'm there.

The sheer insanity of life has caught up to me. I don't know whether this is just another phase of life or if it's the ravages of the war I talked about previously, and frankly I do not care in the least because right now I'm in that place where none of that really matters to me. For all of my "knowledge" and "wisdom" and "experience" and patience and will to hang on, I just can't do it right now. All I want to do is lay in my bed, curl up in a ball, and sleep my life away until it magically repairs itself into relative normalcy. I would kill for normal right now. I would give almost anything for it just to be put up on a shelf and left to fix itself and for me to never look back. And I hate the fact that I just am not the kind of person who can do that.

Why can't I just let it go!?!? I'm just so tired...so tired of fighting, of worrying, of stressing over things that only seem to bringing me down, of driving my mind into a depression that seems it will refuse to let up. And even when it seems to look like it might, just for a little while, oh wait here's something else so nope just kidding! That tunnel that does not exist...yep, I'm most definitely there. And I'm there alone. Why else do you think I'm here pouring my heart out where if I actually publish this the whole world can see my anguish and laugh. I don't want the pity, I definitely don't need it! So why am I doing this???

Why am I baring my vulnerability and failure and shortcoming and foolishness for the world to see??

Well one because when something is on my mind I like to write, and it just so happens that this allows me to vent in a way that is not physically harmful to anyone/anything.
But also because still, somewhere deep down, I pray that in my brokenness, in my pain, as I stumble through the darkness of the tunnel that does not exist, that someone can find hope. Find hope in my own humanity.

I am imperfect. I am a fool.
We all are.
And no matter who you are, where you are, what you're doing and where you're going, you'll find this tunnel. It is inevitable. Unfortunately, it's one of those sad facts of life, the result of a broken and fallen humanity in a cursed and doomed world.

But really, I am not alone. No matter how alone I feel, I am not alone.
But really, we are not alone. No matter how alone we feel, we are not alone.

Not only do we have the knowledge of each other in our own failure and humanity, but for those of us who are really blessed, we have the knowledge that there is this ridiculously awesome God who is so desperately in love with us. And yeah the words are easy, the reality definitely more difficult, but there is always a way that is provided for us. A crack in the tunnel. A flood of redemption. And white.

We may not see it for the tunnel, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. For is it the white that does not exist, or merely the tunnel? Interesting...

"What kind of damage could we do with this kind of knowledge...
What kind of suffering could we turn into hope...
What kind of bitterness could we turn into joy...
What kind of anguish could we turn into victory..."

So anyways I'm finished now. Please do not give me your pity, for even in this tunnel there is that chance to live and learn and be loved. And I have that knowledge, and the knowledge that really it will not kill me no matter how much longer it will continue to pain me. It'll take time, of course more time; of that I have no doubt. Maybe even more mental, emotional uncertainty and whole lot more praying. But as of yet, as the Word says, I haven't suffered yet to the point of shedding blood; and I am striving to continue the search for that "pure joy", for "the good". Because it's there, more real and more vibrant than any hopelessness of the tunnel that does not exist.

So do not pity me, but rejoice with me. Because I am a fool. And because no matter how lost I am in the tunnel that does not exist, I am not truly lost. No matter how alone, I am not truly alone.

And neither will you ever be.
Sorrow into joy.
So dive deep.

(And if you have no idea what I mean by the tunnel and things such as that, read "A Story" and it should make at least a little more sense)

"But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
John 16:32-33

Dive deep.

Originally Posted 6/17/08